Apparently I DO miss the Army!

Steve and I aren't given to disagreement, in fact we pretty much sing from the same hymn sheet all the time but the other evening we got into a minor squabble. It was my fault really, I was tired, the office politics had been running riot all day and if I am truthful - I picked a fight with a sitting duck.

Steve has a HUGE life, he always has had. He's immensely dynamic and there are always dozens of balls in the air. Between the Army and his current job as CEO of a large charity he is always travelling and that's what I chose to pick the fight about. I should seriously hang my head in shame. For a start, I LOATHE travelling. If I could gather everyone I love into a square mile, I swear I'd never leave it. Secondly I completely understand why he has to travel so much, and thirdly I am immensely proud of what he does - what made me decide to tell him that his being away amounted to neglect of me (utter tosh, he's a devoted husband and he's hardly abandoning me - I have a job, family and friends nearby) defeats me - however I did - and what emerged from the brief exchange which followed was surprising.

In an effort to justify and defend himself he said ' If I haven't given you enough attention and time, you might take into account that my whole world changed 18 months ago. I spent 33 years in the Army and all of a sudden I have had to establish myself in a big new career, buy a house, move and learn how to operate in a civvy world' to which I replied 'well I left the Army too remember!'...and there it was. It was the first time in 18 months that we had looked back and the subsequent discussion was truly revealing. He has adjusted better than I have and I had no idea that I had any adjustment to make. Here's what it transpires I miss:

• The camaraderie with other wives. Sure I have a full time career and I was never a coffee morning kinda gal but there was always someone around, of a similar age with whom I had something in common.
• The status. I am being very honest here. My husband was the big cheese. He's still the big cheese but amongst civilians whom I barely know. I am ashamed to say that I liked the status that came with being the Colonel's Lady.
• I miss the dressing up. Him in Mess Kit, me in a posh frock. Soldier's saluting...
• I miss the social life. I didn't join in much of it, I didn't even like most of it - but there was always something going on.
• I miss the formality and the etiquette. The flood of thank you notes when you hosted an event, always knowing what to wear because the invitation would always define it. The inbred politeness and good manners. Civilians are so casual. It feels.....lazy to me.

There you have it. I have clearly defined myself as a snob who has had her silver spoon stolen.

 There is no road map for 'the wife' when a Soldier leaves the Army. He has about a year of 're-settlement'. Future career advice, financial seminars, dining out... and she, well she has to close the door on the world she inhabits alongside him, without so much as a goodbye - and it was easy for me! I didn't move far away from our last posting, I moved closer to a job in which I was already well established and have many friends. Steve went straight into a fantastic career, we bought a lovely house...it must be so much harder for those whose men are depressed or flailing, who don't have a career, who have lost touch with their friends. There is no established support network, no veterans wives organisations. Those who have been so closely tied drift apart. It's like being an actor. You have great friends on the film set and then when someone yells 'wrap' you all disappear off to other projects.  I like the new film set, and of course this film can run and run which is lovely but it seems I missed the last one more than I thought I did - and that's the truth.

Farewell Army Quarters

I was pondering today whether I miss living in SFA (Army married quarters) and came to the conclusion that although I miss some things, I really don't miss others!

I DO miss some of the social events. The Army community is skilled in going from 'fancy a barbie?' to mobilising the whole street in a matter of minutes and there is no denying that it is comforting being surrounded by trained killers Great for security!) and wives who have so many shared experiences. The other big plus is that it's so cheap. Our last house - four big bedrooms, study, big garden, garage etc. cost us less than £300 a month - I kid you not!

What I don't miss is magnolia paint, the lack of diversity (herded together by rank - I only ever met other Colonel's wives of my age), no children (away at boarding school or adult by the time their father's have achieved the age necessary to achieve the rank), no old people, HAVING to go to events at which wearing a ball-gown was a must (before you think 'that's disingenuous - try dashing home from work to get trussed up to spend a dull evening with people you wouldn't choose to be with) an unnatural number of old Etonians.....

But the thing that I found hardest (other than the lack of en suite bathrooms and the fact that doing anything with a garden was pointless because you'd always be moved on before you saw it grow) was the lack of privacy. There was no anonimity, at all, ever. One particular wife would lie in wait (she didn't work) and literally pounce when I drew up from work EVERY DAY. If we didn't open our curtains by 9.00 a.m someone would come round to 'make sure you are alright'. If someone in the close had a row, we'd all know the details. For some it spelled 'community', for me, it felt cloying.

I know women who have lived 'behind the wire' for ALL of their adult lives. They've never mowed their own lawn, painted their own bedroom, packed to move or made any friends beyond their fellow Army wives. There is a conspiracy of silence about 'stepping off' (leaving the Army), as if saying it would make it real, and oh how they feared the civvy life on the other side of the fence. Me? I'm loving it - but then we carefully planned our exit. We had lovingly maintained our friendships outside the Army, Mr. S had an exciting job lined up and we moved to our own home in the town where I had worked for two years, just a few miles away from where we grew up and where our friends and family are. Apart from being able to exercise our taste in our home and Mr. S going to work in any colour he likes, rather than khaki, remarkably little changed but now our front door is ours!

  Wills & Kate's wedding day. The 'patch' party.

Waving swords around....