I wish I had known, earlier in my life, how fab dogs are. Everyone bangs on about how much work they are and what a 'tie' but there is a conspiracy of silence - or there was amongst my family - about how much love and happiness is attached to the tie and the work. We've currently got three. Our own giant Hugo and adorable Hebe and we're dog-sitting a baby spaniel who is an absolute sweetheart. I don't think I'm very good with people. I'm not one of these mad people who loves animals and completely eschews humans but I am really, really bad at superficial relationships. I profoundly love a handful of people, and although I would and do, go out of my way for others, I don't sustain most budding, potential friendships. My family and my friend who is dying have always been enough. Is it a character flaw I wonder? When I get home from work I don't want to spend what little spare time I have talking on the phone other than with those I really love. There are those, very few relationships that are easy and natural and the rest are just an exhausting round of maintenance.
I went to an event a few weeks ago, where the person who had invited me introduced me as her 'best friend'. She's a neighbour. A neighbour I like. Another Army wife whose presence next door is warm and comforting but our hearts have no connection. We don't care about the same things. We don't feel the same way about pretty much everything. For a start she is terrifyingly right wing!!! How odd then, that someone with whom she has such limited connection gets elevated to the position of 'best friend'. Other than the aforementioned profoundly loved crew, most humans confuse, irritate or scare me, so... I wish I had known, long ago, how fab dogs are.
I have just been reading a blog. Someone left a comment here and curiosity drove me to her own blog. When I say I have been reading it, I have actually been devouring it. I will never have a child of my own. There I have said it, and the sky hasn't fallen in. For more than twenty years it haunted me and drove me. I felt...less. I am....less... but I have come to terms with the less -ness (yes, I know it's not a word) and discovered that less, can indeed be pretty good. There is a point to a childless woman that for years I could not see. There is a huge well of love for others to tap in to. In my case, a lonely, widowed Mother-in-law has benefitted. Every stray cat and dog within a 20 mile radius has benefitted. My husband has a whole lot more of me than he might have had. I still would it were otherwise but I am not a pointless person when for years that is how I defined myself...silently.
Well, things have been up and down and up...such is life.
Phase one of returning to work was a disaster. Falling into the hands of a Boss who treated his workers like slaves was misery. I braved it out for a while and then beat a retreat, thankfully into the waiting arms of the most wonderful publishing company, where I am loving every minute whilst producing academic journals, the contents of which I don't understand. Being happy at work is a liberating experience and it should be against the law to be otherwise.
Hebe and Hugo are cared for in my absence by the World's best dog-sitter. No you can't have her name, she's ours!
Steve has spent plenty of time in Blighty. Whilst with a career each there isn't a great deal of time for much else, it is so lovely to be able to see his beautiful face every day.
My Grandfather died. He was 95 and entitled to shuffle off but he still left a hole in a lot of lives. His funeral was held in a charming old Church in Devon. There was rousing singing of 'Jerusalem' and not a dry eye when The Dambusters March was played (he was RAF 617 sqn.). I hope he's living it up in Heaven with Nanny.
The big 'down' is that my best friend is drawing closer to the end of her life. She has been ill for nearly two and a half years and is getting more and more frail. She has no Mother, Her father is quite understandably in denial about the imminent loss of his only child,nor siblings, so I am the listening ear, and my God it's hard. I am not the easiest person to know. I am secretive, judgemental, proud -and I don't give my feelings away easily, but she 'gets' me. She has always 'got' me. She is joyful, beautiful, kind and utterly, utterly good. It seems such a waste to rip her away from us when she has only spent 46 years on the planet. I have a devotedly happy marriage and a close family but she is the one person who I have been able to say things I thought no one else would bear to hear. From drunken days on bar stools, to wild dancing, to heated debate, every minute with her has been a joy. Much of my adult life has been spent knowing that whatever befell me she would be there. The rest of it will be without her. That fucking sucks.
Phase one of returning to work was a disaster. Falling into the hands of a Boss who treated his workers like slaves was misery. I braved it out for a while and then beat a retreat, thankfully into the waiting arms of the most wonderful publishing company, where I am loving every minute whilst producing academic journals, the contents of which I don't understand. Being happy at work is a liberating experience and it should be against the law to be otherwise.
Hebe and Hugo are cared for in my absence by the World's best dog-sitter. No you can't have her name, she's ours!
Steve has spent plenty of time in Blighty. Whilst with a career each there isn't a great deal of time for much else, it is so lovely to be able to see his beautiful face every day.
My Grandfather died. He was 95 and entitled to shuffle off but he still left a hole in a lot of lives. His funeral was held in a charming old Church in Devon. There was rousing singing of 'Jerusalem' and not a dry eye when The Dambusters March was played (he was RAF 617 sqn.). I hope he's living it up in Heaven with Nanny.
The big 'down' is that my best friend is drawing closer to the end of her life. She has been ill for nearly two and a half years and is getting more and more frail. She has no Mother, Her father is quite understandably in denial about the imminent loss of his only child,nor siblings, so I am the listening ear, and my God it's hard. I am not the easiest person to know. I am secretive, judgemental, proud -and I don't give my feelings away easily, but she 'gets' me. She has always 'got' me. She is joyful, beautiful, kind and utterly, utterly good. It seems such a waste to rip her away from us when she has only spent 46 years on the planet. I have a devotedly happy marriage and a close family but she is the one person who I have been able to say things I thought no one else would bear to hear. From drunken days on bar stools, to wild dancing, to heated debate, every minute with her has been a joy. Much of my adult life has been spent knowing that whatever befell me she would be there. The rest of it will be without her. That fucking sucks.
In which I return to work
I have been a bit reluctant to go back to work. Principally I think because of the dogs. Being involuntarily childless has been a hard road to travel and having my beloved Hebe and Hugo has filled the potholes. However, there is at some point a house to be purchased so I am strapping back on my high heels, shaking out my shoulder pads and re-joining the workforce.Wish me luck!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)